instinct vs. logic

i don't know what to do...i feel completely upside-down....i had these dreams that were so ridiculous but the message in them felt so real. i feel like i need to do what they told me to do, like there is no choice.....but at the same time, i know that's complete insanity; dreams are just dreams they aren't messages or anything else. yet past experience says otherwise. none of this helps that im in the middle of an intense binge; not exactly thinking clearly here. i feel like i got lost, and so i've been trying to go back and figure out where i went wrong, why i made the choice that i made, but the more i look the less everything makes sense....i  just can't make sense of anything today! i am so confused; maybe it's the starving for the last couple of days, and then binging today, but i don't feel like that's it. the dreams, just everything about how i feel today is just screaming walk away. walk away before it's too late. i just feel it so strongly like i have to do this....nothing else makes sense anymore....i don't know what to do, i don't know whether to give in to this feeling or to fight it, and risk the hell that i know will come if i do. 

just another day

i'm scared, because i feel like i'm on the verge of something. i mean it could be that my current plans to transfer halfway across the country will work out, but i feel like even if it doesn't i feel like something is going to happen that is totally life changing. but that could be because i am in a crazy rapid mixed state. i mean this morning, i could've taken on the world and then six hours later, i was crying my eyes out and i couldn't tell you what was wrong but it was wrong. and now, now i'm feeling some sort of  nervous anticipation for some unknown mind blowing occurrence. i don't feel ready. but then i'm never ready, i just make myself jump in. oh great, now i'm back to the crying jag.  isn't it lovely to be me

gun in mouth, mirror in face

i came home sick today. i wasn't even at work an hour. to everyone who was there, i'm sure it appeared as if i have some sort of bug....i went to the bathroom, and i came back all pale and shaky looking like hell and saying i felt like i was going to pass out. and even though it seems buggy, i know that this is something i did to myself. this is because i've been starving-binging-purging recklessly. every single day i can feel the toll its taking on my body, and usually i rejoice in that; i've chosen a slow suicide and these are all signs that my work is paying off. today though, when i had to get driven home from work after less than an hour, part of me panicked. i would have tried to stay, but i actually did feel like i would pass out, and if i pass out it is highly likely that i would be taken to the hospital which is the last thing i want. realizing that, something in me screamed that i need to quit this shit, i need help, i should start taking care of my body. i really don't want that of course. i want to destroy myself. but i'm still internally fraught....i mean maybe i'm going at this too hard. maybe i should be a little more cautious. its a tough call, on the one hand, if i seek help i'll physically feel better, and on the other hand if i keep doing what i'm doing i'll be mentally happy because this is what i want. dilemma.

the great unknown

i'm on the verge of completely new territory. i'm actually possibly seeing someone...i mean it hasn't even gotten anywhere yet, there is just the possibility of everything. and thinking about all of the possibilities is sending me into this anxious frenzy. i don't date. i don't have relationships. i hook up, and even that is rare. this something is just...wow. i really just want to run away and not deal with any of it. just brush him off like i brush off everyone else. but in my whole adult life i've never even tried, so i think i need to at least attempt something once. i mean even my father thinks its about time. so this is it, this is my attempt at being like every other girl.....poor sucker

the blissful unaware

sometimes, you can let yourself forget. you can believe in the pretty little lies that you shower on the world because that is what they need want. and then you leave fantasy land when you leave the people you created the fantasy for. maybe that's why the general population is so afraid of being alone. because they are afraid to face the truth in themselves. maybe that's why i'm alone always. because i need to have the truth with me always, i'm afraid of forgetting. .....i know the dangers of forgetting. i mean, its lovely to forget. to lose myself in the illusions. but its a fine line to the delusions, and then i'm out of control. out of money, out of respect, and goodness knows what else...i've never taken it too far because there was always someone there watching, to slap my face and snap me back. how fortunate am i, to have someone to save me without me even crying out? ha. that was half sarcasm. i don't want to be saved. what person with a death wish does? but it is quite fortunate that i do have such caring people in my life....unfortunately that makes for a miserable alive rachel. every day, i get up and i sprinkle lies while working myself to the bone, and then i come home and i just collapse under the weight of it all....if i believed it, if i let myself be dangerous, maybe it wouldn't feel so heavy. maybe this time, everyone else is lost in their own fantasy, and won't make me real again....not with my luck, but it couldn't hurt to try :p

surrender

im lying here, because its bedtime, because its the responsible thing to do when i have work so early in the morning. but i just cant sleep. because when i stop doing things to distract myself from sleeping, like reading or whatever, i just start crying because my mind just goes right back to where its not supposed to be. which, if it isnt obvious, is suicide ideation. the whispers and screams inside my head say the same things.....surrender....you dont have to fight anymore.....take the easy way, let the madness take over...surrender....give in to the madness....let go.....give up, give in....stop trying..... part of me feels like if i can just trigger mania, i can make all these thoughts go away and it will be okay, but you just cant do that. thats the whole thing with bipolar, you dont get to say when. this is life. always. god i hope the apocalypse really is next year.

it is that bad

i've been thinking of moving across the country, because a relative of mine has promised that if i move there, they will see to it that i'm medicated. and i've told people that i'm considering this. and today, someone said something like "you don't need medication that bad to go and live there".....but i do. its hurtful to me when people try and tell me, even if not outright, that i'm not as ill as i think i am. i'm not deluding myself. i'm not making excuses so that i don't have to deal with shit. it really is that bad. i really am that sick. and i know this with every fiber of my being. i have been delusion before, i know what it feels like, and i know whats real and what isn't real. what i see now, how i percieve my mental state(s), that is one hundred percent real. i'm not saying this to brag, i'm saying this because its the truth: i am an intelligent woman who is capable of doing so much, i have so much potential....but without medical help it's like i can't access any of it. its a form of torture. i know that i could be so magnificent, but i'm trapped by my brain and it dulls me. i don't mean that its boring to me, i mean that i become duller as a person...let me put it this way; some people claim that when they medicate themselves they feel like a zombie, a lesser version of themselves and they stop taking the medication so that they can go back to being alive. and i feel pretty much the reverse. hmm i have a new saying i think....give me meds or give me death!