girl on the verge

thats what i am. i feel like i'm always on the verge of something. just waiting for something to stop me from totally  going overboard. maybe i'm already over and i don't know it. because i feel like i've been teetering for a long time now, yet i feel so much closer to falling the more that time goes by....but in my head, i still tell myself that i haven't fallen. that i could pull back from the edge anytime i wanted, if only i wanted. that i haven't gone too far.....i am in control. but am i? am i really in control of myself? or have i again deluded myself to that fact? how do you really even know? my first instinct would be to consult someone for an outside perspective, but i don't really have an inclination to do so. i don't want to tell people all that i feel i'm on the precipice of. and they would rather not hear it. i guess i won't really be able to tell till i've smashed head first into the ground and i'm all twisted and mangled and theres nothing anybody can do. which, in a sick way is comforting. that maybe i can destroy myself, without actively breaking any promises.  it'll be like humpty dumpty. if you sit on a narrow wall, eventually you're going to fall. and when you're as fragile as an egg, well that'll be the end

 ....and all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put humpty together again.

slice slice baby....

as always, today was a wonderful day filled with joy and smiles. not. i spent a good part of the day holding onto a sharp knife and trying to convince myself that i should not give in to the urge to mutilate myself with it. i really wanted to make myself bleed. but because that is against the rules, and i suck at it anyways, i settled for slapping myself with a knife. and of course that just infuriated me more, because i don't bruise very easily. so even though i was whapping the hell out of myself, to the point where large sections of my body were completely numb, i have nothing to show for it. which i guess is a good thing, if i want to 'get away with it' and not have anyone know. but i really don't give a damn about that. i just wanna see my body punished. and i can't make it bleed, so i thought i'd try bruising it. but apparently thats too difficult for a stupid head like me as well. godfuckingshitdamnfuck! everything is out the window and it sucks. i can't stab/slice myself. i can't starve myself. and now i can't hit myself. and burning things in the house is not allowed, so i can't burn myself either. i don't know how to make my body suffer any other way. and thats just something i need to do from time to time. i mean, it attacks me on a daily basis, so some retaliation is necessary. i mean, i could do anything i wanted to my body, but i won't. because i'm a woman of my word. and because i really don't want to fuck my metabolism any more. ugh, i just have to find something. i don't wanna do sleep deprivation, because i'm delirious enough as it is, and doing that while trying to keep a job is not good. i'll admit i could do over exercising, but i've never really had the heart for that one. i mean its just something that is (for the most part) so good for you. and i don't want to do my body good. i mean over exercising would hurt me in the long term, not the short term. and my battles against my body are very short term. i probably need to change that. i need to be in this for the long haul. because thats what wins wars. and i really am in a war against my body. it has destroyed me, and i want to return the favor. without being a fat slob dying of a heart attack, because i just hate fat too much for that one. sometimes, i have the urge to surf the internet to find a weirdo who would do it for me.   god i just wanna be in a time like in futurama where they have suicide booths and for change you can have the death you've always wanted...god i hate myself for always being there no matter what....i need to be selfish dammit. i need to just forget about everyone else (like everyone else does) and do what i want with my life. which is destroy it. but i won't, at least not for a while, because i can't abandon those i love. yet. fuck me.  

even in clear view

so i was talking to a friend tonight who was pretty down. apparently one of her old friends had recently committed suicide. of course i didn't have much to say in response to that. i mean, what do you say to someone when they tell you that someone they cared about is dead? i think its an awkward situation for a lot of people. so my initial response was "thats sad news". literally thats what i said. i know, i'm so sympathetic right? her response? "....she was always so happy and wonderful". god that bullshit pisses me off. happy people don't kill themselves. if you know that person as "happy and wonderful", you don't really know that person. so how can you say you truly care and their death truly saddens you if you don't truly know them? i mean i know when someones dead, you just want to remember the good parts, but honestly, speaking as someone who has been there many times, and is very close to people who have also been there a time or two, if you're ready to end you're life you're not a person who could be described as 'happy and wonderful', at least not by someone who truly knows you. you aren't so bubby and then one day out of the blue, 'i think i'll kill myself'. no you have to get there, it takes a while. you have to get quite low. and some people hide that lowness from everyone and it seems like theyre still that happy and wonderful person, but thats fake. thats not who they really are, they are censoring themselves like i do every day. part of me hates myself right now for going off on this rant when my friend is in pain....but most of me is pissed off. i can't be sympathetic in this type of situtation. i know its biased of me. i didn't know the woman, and maybe she was the exception. maybe she was sooo happy and just decided for kicks to end it. but i highly doubt it. i'm not sure why i get so frustrated, but the way people respond to death most of the time irks me. 

i just feel like, if you didn't know someone, really know them and love them, you don't have the right to be so put out by their death. it just seems wrong to me, to pretend after their death that they meant something to you. i mean maybe in your mind they did mean a lot....but obviously it wasn't enough or you would've been let in to see the pain. you wouldn't be going, "but i don't understand, she was so happy". but then again, i don't suppose people kill themselves because they are so surrounded with support and understanding. 

jesus i feel like a bitch. i mean someone is dead. and i don't feel any sympathy. i feel anger, for unjustified grief, and i feel jealousy. i wish that were me. 

i feel like such a wonderful human being right now....

you never noticed me

i love that song by saosin :)

but its also how i feel right now. i mean i don't put any effort into hiding how fucked up i am with food. i put effort into hiding other things, but i've never really tried to hide that. but nobody noticed. i gain/lose 20lbs every other month and nobody notices. on my petite frame, thats quite a lot of weight. shit, on anyone thats quite a bit. i even tell people that i'm weird with food etc. they know, they've been informed, and they've observed. but they still don't notice. and its not that they do and they just don't say anything. they for reals don't see. and its because they don't see me. they see the me they want to see, the one they expect to see. like when you read those messed up sentences that are spelled completely wrong, your mind arranges it they way it thinks its supposed to be so that you can understand it, even though thats not what it really is. 

i'm not gonna force them to notice me. i'm  just going to leave them alone with their sugar coated memories.

the genuine article, or not

i woke up good today. i didn't cry, i didn't pause to think about anything, i just did, and it felt good. but one second of inactivity, and it all bubbled to the surface and i wanted to destroy and emote and that was all there was....so i think that i can never be real. because to be real means to be something/someone that is unacceptable and will not last. i just have to keep all of me buried as long as i live, thats the only way i can live. and i really dislike that. dislike isn't even strong enough of a word. i would rather live no life than a fake life. but i can't not live. i don't break promises. so this is what i must do. i must be artificial. unreal. fake. anything genuine or honest must be suppressed.   ......and this is really what they want from me. if they heard me explain it in this way, they of course would deny it. but make no mistake, this is absolutely what they want. they would rather me have ended my life than have me live a real life. nobody likes the truth of me, thats not the me they love and asked to live. the illusion of me is what they want, and so they shall receive.

you know you're insane when...

this is another reason i know i'm insane: tonight after having a b-move romantic comedy marathon with myself instead of drugging myself into sleep, i decided hey, not only do i believe in love but i am in love. i know its bullshit and that i'm just delirious right now. i just sorta brainwashed myself with all of this sappy bullshit....i am not really in love, but for now i have this little melodramatic love story playing out in my head in where i have already found the one but tragically will never be with him because i'm not going to burden him with my insanity when he already has to take care of the rest of the world; he deserves someone who he can lean on. ugh i need to stop taking such bad care of myself and making myself even worse. ugh. thats why if my melodrama weren't a figment of my imagination i couldn't burden him with my love....because i can't even take care of myself. maybe i should give up trying and go live on the mountain with my mother........fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....

oh my god, oh you think i'm in control

maybe i should just check myself into a psych ward....i mean i'm not harming myself too bad right now, but i don't know how much longer i can hold that off. smoking and drinking and unbalanced eating can only get me so much destructive satisfaction. but medical care is so expensive, and i'm already in a hole i don't know if i'll ever get out of, how the fuck am i supposed to pay for round the clock treatment, short term or otherwise?!   ......curse america and its lack of healthcare options.  i really am trying to keep my promise. but everywhere there is temptation.....you know how many ways there are to die? a lot. you know the sad thing? even though my short time as a psych patient sucked, i feel like going into treatment would be a sort of vacation. i wouldn't have to smile and pretend the world is full of sunshine and rainbows....i could be as dark as i am.....but of course only for a time, because i would have to 'get better' and 'see' the sunshine and rainbows....shit now that i'm really thinking about it, i'm sure going into treatment would be the same hell my life is right now. goddamn it. another fantasy smashed to bits by cold cold reality. i just want to put someone else in control, ya know? like it'd be so nice for once to stop trying to control myself (which is pretty much as hard as solving a derivative)....to stop fighting my body and just be with it, and have someone worry about what it does. or rather what i  do. so that settles it: i'm not checking into anywhere, and i'm not  dying....yet.