taken over by the fear

i had this nightmare last night, i had to eat chinese food to prove i was okay, and i kept eating and eating it, and even though in the dream i knew it wasn't real i was freaking out because i thought i was getting fatter with each bite, and when i woke up i felt like i had gained five pounds just from dreaming about binging. it was awful. and i had to get a hideous tattoo (in the nightmare) for each dish i had eaten, and there was blood everywhere and my arm was a colored mess...and honestly, that was one of the scariest dreams i've ever had. and i have fucked up dreams all the time...i mean talking about it, it doesn't sound that frightening, but it was/is to me. its just another sign of how fucked up my relationship with food is. but as lily allen said, "everything is cool as long as i'm getting thinner"

food on the brain

i can't sleep, so i had a cup of tea and i added two sugars because i felt a little dizzy, and now i just feel revolting!  maybe its all in my head, but from that one drink i feel all nauseas and bloated and like i stuffed too damn much into my face. which is weird, because i can stuff a weeks worth of food into my yapper in one sitting (and did all weekend). and the most hated thing, as awful as i feel right now from that one cup of tea, i still want to go upstairs to the kitchen and gorge myself on anything that nobody will notice missing. i'm such a crazy food theif! i'm not going to do it of course, but i want to. so much. i wonder if i'll ever ever mentally not want to binge constanly, at least while i'm in a depressed state. i sure as hell hope so. there is no real general line to this post, i just can't sleep because i feel so yuck and i have food on the brain. awful combo.  those two sugars are making me really paranoid too. or maybe i'm just really paranoid right now and thats something to be paranoid about but i feel like just because of that, i'll have put on weight when i check the scale in the morning. i'm frightened to find out what the number is. its already large enough you know, i don't need it climbing up! so i really hope this is just me being crazy, and two sugars are not going to cause me to put on weight, when i haven't eaten for two days. we shall see...at least i've stopped obsessing over thisiswhyyou'refat.com...there's a sick obsession if i ever had one.

i have a problem, sadly theres no twelve step solution

i get drunk off of food. because what i do is i eat and eat and eat until it almost makes me sick, but not quite because then i won't get the luxury of having the food leave my body, and then i wait a little bit and repeat. and when i'm disgusted enough to muster up a little self control i stop eating period. for as long as i can, because i know once i eat something, i'll have to eat everything....and when that happens, it feels like i'm drunk. i'm lightheaded and sick and giddy and angry and sad....its like i'm swimming in emotions. and before it gets out of control, it can be quite pleasant....and then of course it turns ugly. i wish there was aa for food...12 steps to being clean and empty for life....i work everyday to stop this vicious cycle, and man that sure would be nice. i'll keep on dreaming....

of hippos and sugar

i am such a fucking hypocrite. or as me and my pal say, a 'potamus'. i really dislike liars and lying and i think the worst thing that you can do to me is lie. but i myself lie constantly. its not for fun....well okay sometimes its for fun (who doesn't like to fuck with people?). but mostly, its because i know that lying is better than the truth. whoever i'm talking to doesn't really want to know, so i give them what they want to hear....its usually not heaping whoppers, just little untruths sprinkled among the truths. and it comes naturally and is usually an unconscious act.  i tell people i'm a horrible liar, and i pretend to be, but that in itself is a lie to hide all of the other lies. and everyone believes it. they all think that they can tell when i am lying because i pretend i'm a bad liar. the only thing they're really catching is great acting. some lies are for protection. to protect me, people involved in whatever i'm lying about, or the person i'm lying to. i guess my thing is that i want the truth no matter what, i don't want the sugar coated version or any other version of the truth because i don't need protection or sheilding or any of that. i can handle the truth, and i don't believe the rest of the world can..........................................but who am i to say they can't? and who are they to say i can't...........see? fucking potamus.

and this too shall pass....

one good thing about having bipolar disorder, is that you know the depression won't last forever.  it may last a helluva long time, but eventually you'll cycle out of it.  thats the silver lining i'm hanging onto right now. because i feel like things have been awful forever and they're always going to be awful. i've done my nails twice since my last post. orange with purple tips and half yellow/half gold.  so that compulsion hasn't passed obviously.  other than that strangeness i don't feel any less depressed. i have all of these important time sensitive matters to deal with and when it comes time to do them i am just out of energy. i need to find a way to get medication, but getting out of my pjs and into regular clothes is a major chore. right after i have to lay down. and maybe take a five hour nap.  i just keep telling myself, 'this can't last forever....you'll cycle out of it soon'. and even though i know that to be true i have a hard time believing it will be soon enough. being like this really ruins a persons life. it gets you kicked out of school, fired from work, your friends leave you....i mean i don't have a job anymore but i am on the verge of flunking out of school (again) and therefore cutting off my only income source.  and how does one survive without money? not very well. its enough to make a girl wish she was manic....

painting the roses red

when i'm depressed, almost all care for hygiene and appearance go out the window. the one thing that i always do keep up on, no matter what, is cleaning my ears. something about it just makes me feel okay. even if i haven't showered in a week, as long as i have freshly cleaned ears i feel clean enough. lately though, cleaning my ears hasn't been enough. i've felt a compulsion to polish my nails. i don't give myself regular manicures and i'll wear polish until it chips completely off, so its weird that just this week i've done my nails three times. lime green, dark purple, and turquoise. i've actually had to stop myself from doing them every night. because i have felt the urge to. i don't know what it is, or even if its a good thing, but i'm crossing my lovely freshly done nails and hoping that it means i'm cycling up. if not, well then i guess i have a new obsession. and look way more pulled together : p

ten hits of lamotrigine please, with a side of dextro

today i reached a new low. i asked someone if they though a drug dealer would sell mood stabilizers because i think that would be easier...and i was serious.  i really fucking need medication. i hate being this low for this long...and every time i seem to be cycling up the next day i'm down twice as hard....not only am i miserable, but i seriously can't function. just getting out of bed and doing things like taking a shower are huge acheivements...i'm flunking school, i had to quit my job because they were going to fire me....this is not living. 

i just have to find a legit way to get medications so i can actually start living...otherwise i'm going to actually kill myself.  i just don't know what options i have. the state rejected me for aid, nobody accepts my jacked up insurance company, and i don't have any money to spend on it myself.  if i wasn't moving at the speed of a snail maybe i would have this figured out already....

fuck

my

illness

one month anniversary

a month ago, to the day, i admitted myself to the hospital for an overdose. i had taken over thirty pills from various old prescriptions in an attempt to end my life. it seems like just yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. i spend a lot of time regretting not going all the way through with it. the plan was to take all of my pills, lay in the tub, and slit my wrists using the handy-dandy-super-sharp x-acto knife. the pills would sedate me so that i could be sure to either drown or bleed out. i couldn't trust the any one method to get the job done. i had researched each medication thoroughly and none guaranteed death but there would very likely be brain damage if i survived. my life is bad enough without brain damage. so i combined three ways to die to make sure it'd work. and i was sitting there, in the tub swallowing pill after pill after pill ready for it all to end. the stereo had bad day by fuel on repeat, and a note was on the toilet. i was ready. then it was time to slit my wrists, and i realized i really wasn't ready. because i couldn't do it. i've never cut myself or made myself bleed at all, so this was a big deal for me to be holding a razor....i just couldn't make that cut....i sat there crying and holding it against my skin for what felt like ages but i'm sure it was only a few minutes. and then i knew i had to go to the hospital. because if i couldn't be triple sure i'd be dead, i needed to be positive there would be no brain damage from the overdose. honestly, they didn't do crap for me at the hospital and it was an awful time. i probably would have been better sleeping it off at home. all the reasons i wanted to end my life are still there, not that much has changed in a month, and at least ten times every day i wish i had the balls to finish things. 

every single day since i was released from the hospital i have asked myself, why am i still here? what is worth all this pain? and i don't have an answer. it used to be the people i love (family&friends). but this year i've gotten to the point where even thats not enough. 

either the pain has to go away or i will....

...and go!

i titled this blog 'beneath the icing' for one of my favorite songs ever jumper by third eye blind. there's this line "icing over a secret pain", and this is going to be me writing about my secret pain.....so the title really clicks for me. 

you'll notice i'm not capitalizing anything...and to warn you, i never will. i like typing in all lowercase. if you can't deal with it, then don't read.  

i just wanna put a few things out there, for whatever readers may come across this. first, even though i'm going to be writing about my pain, i'm not emo. and i hate whining. this isn't to whine. its to vent. letting it out so that i can move on, and put that smile back on my face. second, everything i am going to write is the absolute truth as i see it, the only thing fictional would be names that i will change to protect identities. and lastly, i'm making all of this public not because i hope someone will discover it and make me famous but because i want to help people who are going through what i'm going through know that they're not alone.

welcome to my madness

xo

rachel