a month ago, to the day, i admitted myself to the hospital for an overdose. i had taken over thirty pills from various old prescriptions in an attempt to end my life. it seems like just yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. i spend a lot of time regretting not going all the way through with it. the plan was to take all of my pills, lay in the tub, and slit my wrists using the handy-dandy-super-sharp x-acto knife. the pills would sedate me so that i could be sure to either drown or bleed out. i couldn't trust the any one method to get the job done. i had researched each medication thoroughly and none guaranteed death but there would very likely be brain damage if i survived. my life is bad enough without brain damage. so i combined three ways to die to make sure it'd work. and i was sitting there, in the tub swallowing pill after pill after pill ready for it all to end. the stereo had bad day by fuel on repeat, and a note was on the toilet. i was ready. then it was time to slit my wrists, and i realized i really wasn't ready. because i couldn't do it. i've never cut myself or made myself bleed at all, so this was a big deal for me to be holding a razor....i just couldn't make that cut....i sat there crying and holding it against my skin for what felt like ages but i'm sure it was only a few minutes. and then i knew i had to go to the hospital. because if i couldn't be triple sure i'd be dead, i needed to be positive there would be no brain damage from the overdose. honestly, they didn't do crap for me at the hospital and it was an awful time. i probably would have been better sleeping it off at home. all the reasons i wanted to end my life are still there, not that much has changed in a month, and at least ten times every day i wish i had the balls to finish things.
every single day since i was released from the hospital i have asked myself, why am i still here? what is worth all this pain? and i don't have an answer. it used to be the people i love (family&friends). but this year i've gotten to the point where even thats not enough.
either the pain has to go away or i will....
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