pathways

you know that point when you see the path you're headed down, and it scares the living shit out of you? i'm there. not because the path i'm headed down is dangerous but because it is so safe. i am not a normal girl. i don't want normal things or expect to lead a normal life, but i see myself going that way. i know i say sometimes that all i want is to be normal, that everything i do is for that...but i never really mean it. i mean to appear normal, i know deep down inside being normal would kill me. the rachel that i am would be dead i would become some sort of zombie. maybe that's for the best though, maybe i should just let myself head down this mellow little path onto soul crushing...or maybe i'll run

have some fucking empathy

i've been getting really into the whole occupy wall street protest, and i'm honestly really excited that the people are finally doing something. and i saw this post online today that just really pissed me off. it was basically saying that if you tried hard enough, you wouldn't have any financial suffering and if you are part of the "99%" that is your choice. as if someone would choose that! as if i choose to be mentally ill [which majorly contributed to dropping out of college and thousands of dollars in student loan debt] and to have medical emergencies and be bogged down with medical debt because if i did not get surgery i would be fucking dead. yeah i chose that. and everyone else out there chose all of their unfortunate circumstances too. fuck. it makes me so goddamn angry. but part of me says "they're right". because there's this part of me that believes that if i worked hard enough, if i was a good enough person, i could have found a way to make it all work out perfectly. and logically, there's no fucking way, but i still feel like punishing myself for not being perfect enough to have avoided terrible crushing circumstances....its all twisted and fucked up and i just feel like lashing out at someone....and the only person to do that to is ... me. duh. so yay another night of tearing myself to pieces over something i can't control and ruining tomorrow for me because i will be so physically/emotionally spent from tonight that how could eight hours of work not be terrible? so if you're one of those people who has heard about ows, and thinks that its just a bunch of lazy whiny people, and that if they worked hard enough they would have a good life, i invite you to walk a mile in my, or any of their, goddamn shoes. until then shut the fuck up and stop making me feel bad and triggering destructive/harmful episodes....

over my head

it always blows my mind how much people don't get it. i mean, i'm sure i've waxed on about this before, at least in my own mind if not on the blog, but i really don't get how people can be so damn clueless. with my close friends, i've always been pretty open and honest. i don't hide my crazy in front of them, and i always thought that just by being around me and all of that, that they understood. but then i'll say something that will go completely over their head, or they'll say something completely narrow and have no idea. ....how can they truly love me and know me, but not know me at all?

paying the price

i love the anime darker than black. not because i'm a super huge anime fan, i mean i like it from time to time, but i'm not super into it. but this one, i watch over and over. it features these beings, called contractors, which have superhuman powers, but after they use them they have a price to pay. each price is different, just as each power is different. some people have to do disgusting harmful things, and some things are just tedious and time consuming. any i know its silly, but i feel like the ed community is like the contractor community...we are bound to something beyond ourselves, and we do phenomenal things, but we each must pay a price and we pay it in different ways. well anyway, i'm tired of my price. i don't find the 'power' worth it. and i keep trying to change that, but it feels like i just have to follow what everyone wants, just like a contractor is owned and must do as contracted. ...the only way out is to die. 

new beginnings?

i am so stressed. so excited, but so stressed. i know that life is hard, and life changes are even harder, i am mentally prepared for that sort of thing...but it still sucks when you try so hard to get everything together and be responsible and good and make it work, and still it all finds a way to fall apart and say fuck you bitch. but its okay, i made a cross-country move on $200....i can make all of this bullshit coming at me now work out. i'm just going to have to attack back. life wants to attack me, i'll attack life. i'll take it to a place where it wishes it didn't exist. fuck me life, no fuck you! ha. there goes my binge weight baby :)

pinch me

i want to go back to believe in your lies. i want to go back to believe in my lies. this is a moment of weakness. a moment where the pretty lies seem better than the cold truths. because at least then, something was reassuring...now everything's discouraging and confusing and i feel like the more i see, the less i understand; i'm walking eyes-wide and backwards into an officespacewonderland. things[peices] are disappearing like sand...so slowlyquickly all i know is i've got an empty hand. huh, my mad ramblings sound poetic in a way. it doesn't feel so poetic right now. i can't tell whether my fantasies are fantasies still or memories, and i'm stuck in this hell, this hazy hazy hell, and i'm remembering how i got here...shit. 

yeah, and stuff

so i think i've said it before, but there are just moments where i'm like shiny. i don't know how else to word it/explain it. maybe its just a bipolar/manic thing idk. but what i do know is, it sucks. because you have these incredible moments, and then its over and nothing else can touch it. nothing else shines or glows or matters. its all shit in comparison to being in that state....and when i come down from there, its hard to see the point of wading through all of this shit just for a few shiny moments. not that i've had any shiny moments lately, its just been on my mind today for some reason...

also, in other crazy news, the moment when you know you're mad is when you're laughing maniacally and you don't know why and it sounds so crazy you're scaring yourself but you can't stop...that moment happens to me a lot. i feel bad for people who live me with or spend time with me and have to hear that. but i suppose maniacal laughter is better than maniacal rage etc etc. 

....*sigh* i'm all over the place. ....i just feel like the more time goes on, and the more i try to hold it together, the more out of control i get. like i'm really trying here, ya know. really! but i feel like in spite of that, its all crumbling down. i can't even tell the difference between an aura and the side-effects of my terrible relationship with food...haha i like putting it that way. it just sounds so much better that way...so much more reparable.

la dee da, so this was random...fuck life!

sometimes, never

i know this isn't very unusual at all, but neither is it the standard because i mean everyone does things in their own way, but when i'm feeling suicidal i feel like i have to take care of business; i throw away anything i don't want anyone to see, i tidy up all of my things....i swear i'm the cleanest and neatest when i feel the worst. you get a lot done when you're getting ready to leave the world.  and its weird but good, a lot of times when i start out trying to end things, the fact that i'm getting so much done makes everything so much better and my motivation to keep going is renewed. but at the same time, its irritating, like when you're really really sad or mad or something and then someone makes you laugh and then you're not anymore....i hate that. so right now, i'm re-motivated (sort of) but really really irritated. like, why can't i just fucking end it already? why do i have to keep trying and trying and trying? i know i've had enough.... "sometimes it gets so goddamn hard i feel like letting it all go..."

silence all the voices

"have you ever seen a fat jackrabbit? how about an overweight mountain loin? these animals live mostly in the wild, eating the foods that nature has provided. sodas, candy bars and chocolate chip cookies are not in their diet."   ....i love taking random quotes from health/diet books and turning them into motivation.  "if there's only junk food, don't eat!"  ....unhealthy tips are found in the healthiest of places ;p  ....i need something good to get me out of this piggy pig pig rut and on the road to emptiness. i'm trying to focus on other things besides food...i mean there are plenty of other things going on my life that i need to focus on; men, moving, weddings (not my own)....there is just so much that i should be doing and thinking about...but its all about food. fucking a. i'm honestly considering just getting a credit card, going to the doctor and getting medication (because a credit card is the only way i could afford medication and a doctor), just so i can have a smidgen of control over myself! jesus christ i can't take it anymore. if i'm not sobbing my eyes out and counting pills, i'm stuffing my face or making myself ill or some other extreme thing that is absolutely not enjoyable. ...when you boil it down, its all about food and death. and i just don't want to care about either anymore. i want to shut up the crazy voices...i want to swallow the pills and become a good little zombie.... 

it's so loud inside my head

my brain is insane. sometimes i think i cause myself to have migraines just by overusing my brain, just like how you can fried your computer if you overload it.  its like so intense in there, i feel bad if anyone has mind reading powers because they would prolly get traumatized. right now, i've got a million things going on. but one thing is, that i've got to either succeed or fail. which i know sounds completely obvious, like duh if you don't succeed that means failure and visa-versa. but i don't mean that if i don't reach my goal that i will be a failure, i mean that if i don't find a way to make it happen, then i'm going to have to make myself fail hard. like make myself so sick that i'll have to be hospitalized hard. its like when people are late or don't show up or something like that and someone remarks "she better be dying...".... that's the kind of shit my brain screams at me. if i'm not going to do things right, then i better be dying. or pretty damn close to it. objectively, i know that's like super strict and ridiculous, but i don't know how to not be that way. it'd be like trying not to have blue eyes....i wouldn't even know where to begin. so here's hoping i succeed, or succeed at failing :)

instinct vs. logic

i don't know what to do...i feel completely upside-down....i had these dreams that were so ridiculous but the message in them felt so real. i feel like i need to do what they told me to do, like there is no choice.....but at the same time, i know that's complete insanity; dreams are just dreams they aren't messages or anything else. yet past experience says otherwise. none of this helps that im in the middle of an intense binge; not exactly thinking clearly here. i feel like i got lost, and so i've been trying to go back and figure out where i went wrong, why i made the choice that i made, but the more i look the less everything makes sense....i  just can't make sense of anything today! i am so confused; maybe it's the starving for the last couple of days, and then binging today, but i don't feel like that's it. the dreams, just everything about how i feel today is just screaming walk away. walk away before it's too late. i just feel it so strongly like i have to do this....nothing else makes sense anymore....i don't know what to do, i don't know whether to give in to this feeling or to fight it, and risk the hell that i know will come if i do. 

just another day

i'm scared, because i feel like i'm on the verge of something. i mean it could be that my current plans to transfer halfway across the country will work out, but i feel like even if it doesn't i feel like something is going to happen that is totally life changing. but that could be because i am in a crazy rapid mixed state. i mean this morning, i could've taken on the world and then six hours later, i was crying my eyes out and i couldn't tell you what was wrong but it was wrong. and now, now i'm feeling some sort of  nervous anticipation for some unknown mind blowing occurrence. i don't feel ready. but then i'm never ready, i just make myself jump in. oh great, now i'm back to the crying jag.  isn't it lovely to be me

gun in mouth, mirror in face

i came home sick today. i wasn't even at work an hour. to everyone who was there, i'm sure it appeared as if i have some sort of bug....i went to the bathroom, and i came back all pale and shaky looking like hell and saying i felt like i was going to pass out. and even though it seems buggy, i know that this is something i did to myself. this is because i've been starving-binging-purging recklessly. every single day i can feel the toll its taking on my body, and usually i rejoice in that; i've chosen a slow suicide and these are all signs that my work is paying off. today though, when i had to get driven home from work after less than an hour, part of me panicked. i would have tried to stay, but i actually did feel like i would pass out, and if i pass out it is highly likely that i would be taken to the hospital which is the last thing i want. realizing that, something in me screamed that i need to quit this shit, i need help, i should start taking care of my body. i really don't want that of course. i want to destroy myself. but i'm still internally fraught....i mean maybe i'm going at this too hard. maybe i should be a little more cautious. its a tough call, on the one hand, if i seek help i'll physically feel better, and on the other hand if i keep doing what i'm doing i'll be mentally happy because this is what i want. dilemma.

the great unknown

i'm on the verge of completely new territory. i'm actually possibly seeing someone...i mean it hasn't even gotten anywhere yet, there is just the possibility of everything. and thinking about all of the possibilities is sending me into this anxious frenzy. i don't date. i don't have relationships. i hook up, and even that is rare. this something is just...wow. i really just want to run away and not deal with any of it. just brush him off like i brush off everyone else. but in my whole adult life i've never even tried, so i think i need to at least attempt something once. i mean even my father thinks its about time. so this is it, this is my attempt at being like every other girl.....poor sucker

the blissful unaware

sometimes, you can let yourself forget. you can believe in the pretty little lies that you shower on the world because that is what they need want. and then you leave fantasy land when you leave the people you created the fantasy for. maybe that's why the general population is so afraid of being alone. because they are afraid to face the truth in themselves. maybe that's why i'm alone always. because i need to have the truth with me always, i'm afraid of forgetting. .....i know the dangers of forgetting. i mean, its lovely to forget. to lose myself in the illusions. but its a fine line to the delusions, and then i'm out of control. out of money, out of respect, and goodness knows what else...i've never taken it too far because there was always someone there watching, to slap my face and snap me back. how fortunate am i, to have someone to save me without me even crying out? ha. that was half sarcasm. i don't want to be saved. what person with a death wish does? but it is quite fortunate that i do have such caring people in my life....unfortunately that makes for a miserable alive rachel. every day, i get up and i sprinkle lies while working myself to the bone, and then i come home and i just collapse under the weight of it all....if i believed it, if i let myself be dangerous, maybe it wouldn't feel so heavy. maybe this time, everyone else is lost in their own fantasy, and won't make me real again....not with my luck, but it couldn't hurt to try :p

surrender

im lying here, because its bedtime, because its the responsible thing to do when i have work so early in the morning. but i just cant sleep. because when i stop doing things to distract myself from sleeping, like reading or whatever, i just start crying because my mind just goes right back to where its not supposed to be. which, if it isnt obvious, is suicide ideation. the whispers and screams inside my head say the same things.....surrender....you dont have to fight anymore.....take the easy way, let the madness take over...surrender....give in to the madness....let go.....give up, give in....stop trying..... part of me feels like if i can just trigger mania, i can make all these thoughts go away and it will be okay, but you just cant do that. thats the whole thing with bipolar, you dont get to say when. this is life. always. god i hope the apocalypse really is next year.

it is that bad

i've been thinking of moving across the country, because a relative of mine has promised that if i move there, they will see to it that i'm medicated. and i've told people that i'm considering this. and today, someone said something like "you don't need medication that bad to go and live there".....but i do. its hurtful to me when people try and tell me, even if not outright, that i'm not as ill as i think i am. i'm not deluding myself. i'm not making excuses so that i don't have to deal with shit. it really is that bad. i really am that sick. and i know this with every fiber of my being. i have been delusion before, i know what it feels like, and i know whats real and what isn't real. what i see now, how i percieve my mental state(s), that is one hundred percent real. i'm not saying this to brag, i'm saying this because its the truth: i am an intelligent woman who is capable of doing so much, i have so much potential....but without medical help it's like i can't access any of it. its a form of torture. i know that i could be so magnificent, but i'm trapped by my brain and it dulls me. i don't mean that its boring to me, i mean that i become duller as a person...let me put it this way; some people claim that when they medicate themselves they feel like a zombie, a lesser version of themselves and they stop taking the medication so that they can go back to being alive. and i feel pretty much the reverse. hmm i have a new saying i think....give me meds or give me death!

not exactly the case

you know, a lot of people think that people overeat to deal with emotions. emotional eating they call it, eat to deal with the hurt inside. and i realized i eat to deal with physical hurt. now what do you call that? i don't think there is a term. because generally, when people have physical pain, they take a pill or something....or just suck it up. but apparently i'm too weak, so i eat to deal. little bitch. you know, you think after eight years, i would have a better coping method. and i guess i have various coping methods for my physical pain, but no matter what i do, i always seem to come back to food. and you know the sad thing, it really does work. yes, i feel like crap emotionally, but physically it actually helps. somehow it switches my focus so i can build that mental wall back up to block the pain (mostly). i think thats the most irritating thing, not the habit itself, but that it works. and i have to kick it. one of the few things that works, and its shit. it tears me apart emotionally......fuck me

a look inside my wild mind

okay, so not like its a possibility or anything, because i don't have a sex life, but it would be the worst thing ever if i was pregnant. random, of course. but on one of my tv shows, a character unexpectedly discovered she was pregnant and it was like a bomb dropping, ya know? and i just feel that's how it would be for me. and that's making me reconsider my decision to get a sex life. because i was really thinking about it. but when you throw in that remote possibility..... i mean, i don't want to have children ever. like pushing a creature out of my vagina is nowhere in my life plan. in fact its in my life plan to make that impossible. and part of me feels so guilty for that. because so many people out there want to get pregnant and have children and a family.....i feel like i'm being an ungrateful wench. but i'm not. i mean everyone has a right to live their lives in their own way, and this is mine. childless. and sexless, i guess, until i get myself fixed. or until i get manic enough to not care. gosh, where is all of this even coming from?! it has nothing to with what's on my mind right now, which is bingebingebingebinge followed by counteractcounteractcounteract .....right now i feel like i either need to be stuffing my face (more), or running myself to the point of vomiting........its all about the punishment either way i'm a bad bad girl and i need to be destroyed. mostly right now i'm leaning towards counteracting stuffs like overexercising and such....which is an improvement in some ways. kinda makes me proud. but everything is still negative and i'm still  being irrational and harmful ....... *sigh* in this hypomanicy state, everything is so confusing....because i feel good, being hypo, but i still have those negative feelings and that urge to destroy myself for being bad. its terrible, because its like you're given  the best thing ever, but only to look at, you can't actually have it. but you know, when i think about it, what would i choose, to be happy, and be some indeterminate weight that in my mind is fat but in the average mind is okay, or to be unhappy and have the chance to be empty and oh so skinny.....well when you've had that high, how can you choose anything else? how can you stop trying to get that feeling back, no matter what it does to you? you know, all truth be told, i have never felt so good as when i've been empty. ......this is so tangential and silly i'm just going to end it, but i'll be going on and on in my head all night

f is for failing

sdlkfjvcoibgu.ofiudsflidjfkdlcbjcvlkbcdjalksdfjsadlkf!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was feeling so good, so together this morning and then i come home from work and i just consume. i wasn't actually hungry, i wasn't punishing myself, i just had to eat. i'm just so mad at myself, that i can't even make it twenty four hours without stuffing my face. i'm such a fat failure. i can't even put into to words how much i hate myself right now. but i'm not going to do anything bad to myself. as much as i want to, i won't. because i'm going to call someone or text someone or something...just reach out so i don't do something dangerous because i'm a bad girl who needs to be punished.... slfdjsdlkfjdslk!!!! i don't know if i can do it, i've called two people and they're not there. i don't know if i can let myself reach out any more today. i mean, calling more than one person is a big thing.....beyond two, omg. i feel like, this is a time for like hardcore punishment, and i'm trying so so hard not to give in to that. but i don't know if i can stop myself, if i can't get anyone to stop me.......

home invasion

so i'm having a roommate move in. which isn't such a big deal you would think, because when i first moved in here, she was living in the basement with me, while the other two were living upstairs. but she's just so hard to live with. she's just really judgemental and snoopy. so i have to clean up everything, because otherwise she bitches and bitches, even though she makes plenty of the mess. and i have to hide anything personal, because she'll get into it and create a big dramatic mess. and it's setting me on edge just thinking about it. your home should be somewhere where you can relax, but with her around i'm not going to be able to. the most frustrating thing for me here, is that she has no room to judge me. she's fat, twenty six years old, and having to live with her brother because she can't keep a job because she's so irresponsible. ...... even though i have absolutely no respect for her, i know that i will still try to be perfect for her (as a roomie)....i'm such a freak

too much

i seriously feel like i'm running around in circles, and everyone else knows where they're going. for instance when i go to the grocery store (or any other store for that matter), if i don't know exactly what i'm purchasing and where to locate it i freak, like i have to run out of the store before i start hysterically crying because i can't handle it (exceptions to this of course are when i'm grazing, but even then i get a bit panicky). and basically everything is as difficult as that. and i just can't help but think to myself, i'm twenty one years old, i should be able to take care of myself. but i'm not. i'm a grown woman, and i can't handle it. i try, and sometimes i even delude myself into thinking that i've got this but i don't, and i probably never will. most people who know me would totally disagree with that, but they believe in the act, the front that i put on. they don't see me when i'm crumbling to pieces just from doing a simple task. maybe everyone else falls apart too, and hides it just like i do....i can't know that for sure. maybe the whole world is headless chickens. i know i'm constantly saying my death is inevitable (correction, suicide, duh death is inevitable for everyone), but i just feel like i can't really go on for sixty more years like this. something is going to give. and every single day, it feels like that's gonna be the day it all breaks. because its already too much...

bitch and moan

ugh i'm so hating myself right now. i am such a fucking little baby. i mean i have a cold. a cold. i know they suck, because duh i feel like hell right now, but jesus, its just a cold, i should be sucking it up, not wallowing in bed all day, and then gorging on pizza by night telling myself i need to eat to get over this thing. i may need fuel, but not that much. i'm just a pathetic fat cow. i need to get up do something. like anything. just move. as hard as i try, i still have absolutely no fire for living. i'm like a zombie. like my roomates want me out because i'm just a total slob/leech. and i want to change, i want to be in place where i can get out and all that, but i just never quite seem to get going. its always something. like now, with the cold. i just sit here and i whine and i say oh poor me, i'm fucked up so i can't do anything. well thats bs. i should be doing crap. fucked up people live life all of the time. i am not special. i am no exception. i do not deserve to just laze around. ....i could go on, but that seems like enough of a self-loathing rant. 

one year later....

i started this blog one year ago today, and this is how far i have(nt) come: die die die die fucking die die die die fucking die die die die fucking die die die die fuckig die die die die die die die die die die die fat fucking bitch die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die! !!!!!!!!!

staying alive

so i finally faced the scale today. and i was relieved/horrified. relieved that it wasn't worse, horrified that i am at a hw i haven't been near in like six months. this is what i need to focus on though. when i focus on my body, i don't focus on death. and that's a good thing. maybe if i focus hard enough i can get through this cycle alive. everyone keeps asking me what i want, what my plans are and i just want to laugh/scream; i don't have any plans besides staying alive! that's about all i have the energy to do, because its a freaking hard task. i honestly don't know whether i'll be able to have any sort of life plans other than that. i can't see a me where i don't want death and i'm not fighting myself for life. but you never know, things happen, people change. i just gotta focus and stay strong. just keep working on that magic number and maybe the dreams of blood and death will fade away.

in which i break (again)

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i'm on the edge. it always comes back to this. and every time, its so intense, i feel like this time its inevitable; i am going to jump off. but then i just back away... i keep coming back, i want to jump off. but like with everything in the world, there's uncertainty. yes, this is what i want, but i don't know everything. i don't know what will happen after. if there is an after. i can't know that for sure. and i can't know if things will change for the better if i don't. how do i know? there is no way of knowing, no certainty here. it has to be a (partially) blind judgement...... i just feel so much pressure from both sides. its feels like if i don't come to some sort of final conclusion on the matter, i'll explode. neither side will win. because it will be a mental explosion, so i won't be dead, but i won't quite be with the living either. i will be in some sad sad home for people who can't take care of themselves. ...i don't know.... maybe this is just a product of my crazy mixed cycle that i'm in right now, and everything will calm down soon. i just know that something has to happen really soon, and i'm afraid i can't make it.

turnaround

i've stopped being a wreck again, yay. for like two straight weeks i was eating eating eating and just being a complete mess. and today i just woke up and started cleaning and doing things, and i know that it's over. i'm so glad. i hate being such a mess, i like it when i have everything tidied up and in its place and my appetite controlled. of course it'll take a little more than one morning to undo the two weeks of damage, but i will cling to this mood for as long as i can. i just need to get into a solid routine, because routines help keep you stable.  but life keeps throwing shit at me. people dying, getting deathly ill, getting married out of the blue, people ditching work so i have to be at work constantly, work injury....just so much to deal with all at once. no wonder i sorta turned into a mess. but i'm dealing now, and i'm gonna stop being a fat weak bitch. yay for st. patrick's day :)

i did it

i have started writing a blog post so many times this month...but i just can never actually post it. so finally, i will post one, because i'm too tired to really do anything but too stimulated to pass out.

so many people around me have died recently, and then with the whole earthquake/tsunami where all of those people are dying; it's enough to drive a suicidal girl mad with jealousy. because really, all of these people have their lives taken from them, why can't i have that? what is so goddamn special about me that i should be alive and they shouldn't? nothing. its just like random. and they were lucky (or unlucky depending on your pov) enough to die. i have so much guilt for feeling this way, because i know instead i should be grateful that i am alive and sorrowful for what has been lost. but even if i do feel that, its all overshadowed by this incredible jealousy. ....i'm a terrible person. its true. this proves it as much as anything else ever has. if i could give my miserable life to any one of those people who i'm sure wanted to live and were much better at being people than me, i would in an instant. 

i feel like the other day, when i was playing this board game. i felt done, but i had to keep playing until it was over; my heart wasn't in it, so i played crappy and i lost. that is a metaphor for life, for me. my hearts not in it because i just want it to be done, but i have to keep going because i'm not the only one involved here; until it ends forever later on its own, i'm stuck.

i guess i'm sort of obsessing about life and death. its march. its officially been a year since i really tried to off myself. and i want to do it more than ever. i've worked so so hard to make it through this year, and it feels like none of it matters, because nothing has changed. and i still regret calling it off halfway through....so much has happened this year and i've made so many new friends, but i would take it all back to do it right. have this all be over. i really don't know how i'm going to do this eleven more times....looking at things right now it seems impossible to accomplish. i mean, i don't even know what i'm fighting for. ....congrats to myself for surviving i guess

lyrical lies

i love music. i really do, because so much of it speaks to me in the moments when i feel so alone. but it just pisses me off to hear some of the songs about pain and death and those types of things. i mean i love the songs they're good and all, but they're all asking for help or to be saved and its just frustrating to me. why does no musician seem to recognize that only you can save yourself, and screaming for someone else to do it is pointless? these songs are always telling you that you need to search outside of yourself, you need someone else to be okay. lies, lies, and more lies. i mean, yes of course, it would be so fantastic and easy if superman would come and make everything bad inside go away. but no one person has that power. believing that is just delusion, and it builds an unhealthy dependence on another person, and most people break under all that pressure and leave you in shambles all over again. most everyone i know who hasn't been broken already would tell me that i'm just being cynical and pessimistic and that people really are good and help make other people okay. but they can't show me one example of that. not one. but they still believe....i guess you just have to be lost to know nobody can find you.

some people have their blankies, i have tools of destruction

its ridiculous, but the things that comfort me and calm me the most are things that harm/destroy me. sometimes i don't have to even utilize them; just having them there, knowing i can use them if i want is enough. but thats not today. today is a day where i need to hurt. to bleed. to feel real before i disappear. to hold tightly onto everything that will destroy me as if my life depends on it. in times of semi-normalcy, i tend to put the tools/weapons as far out of my reach as possible. but i always know exactly where there are, and i imagine retrieving them, holding them, using them. i spend hours every day fantasizing about all the ways i can destroy myself; when i have a need to, i am fully prepared. today is no exception. soon, i will have everything lined up next to me and i will feel safe. i will feel secure, because i can protect myself from the enemy that is my body. i can retaliate when it attacks. wrap me in danger and i'll be alright.

i should be dead by now

that's all i can think of tonight. i should be dead by now. thats what you get when you're bipolar and unmedicated....one week i'm all optimistic and happy happy joy joy and then the next i'm all doom and gloom. but really, i never thought i would live this long....i'm not sure exactly what my reasoning behind that was; i guess i thought i would do myself in somehow seeing as i'm so self destructive. either i would get myself into a dangerous situation as i often have before because i really don't care about my personal safety, or i would take my life in a deep depression. i mean, gosh i'm almost twenty two. i never even expected to be twenty, let alone on my way to mid-twenties. i think i need to man up and get it over with already....

slowly but surely

this month has been really hard, and really crappy. i started it out with high hopes, and then crashed into darkness. but i'm turning that around. i'm working really hard every single day to become someone that i'm happy to be, that i can love. i don't like myself. i loathe myself and think that i don't deserve to live. but i've decided who i want to be and i'm working towards that. each little thing that i do that gets me closer to that makes me proud and helps me be confident in myself. like i want to be someone who doesn't let people walk all over them, and the other day, i let go of someone who only really ever hurt me. it may seem small, but for me that's a huge step and i was super proud of that. just that one thing, really picked me up and gave me confidence that if i can stand up for myself like that, like i never have, then i can turn this month around. these next two weeks may be rocky, but i know i can get out alive. i will make it one year. 

ah, my sweet february

dear february,

i hate your stinking guts.  i really wanted to make this year different. but you have shown me that i am not capable of such a thing, all i have ever been and ever will be is a loathsome creature.  which of course is not a good feeling....so duh i fucking hate you february.  i'm doing all that i can to hold myself together in these dark days of yours, but you are quite malicious.  funny how that is, you the month of love and romance for most, are a month of despair and destruction for me.  i don't really have a point to this letter to you, i just had to bitch at you cause you fucking suck. so fuck you, and please go away soon.

rachel

lessons in desire

i used to claim i wasn't actually suicidal, that it was just my bi-polar depression. i know better now. i'm hypo-manic, and still all i want is death. well of course i want other things, but that's what i want most of all. sometimes i just feel like saying to myself, "rachel, stop being a whiny bitch and just do it already". but as i am still typing, obviously that fantasy hasn't panned out. i've learned a lot, finding out i'm crazy, finding a medication that makes me feel okay, and then suddenly going unmedicated. its shown me that the way i am is not okay. its shown me that life doesn't have to be this hard. but i've also learned that there are some things pills can never fix. stabilizing your moods doesn't get rid of all your desires. if i ever got back on medication, i probably would still very much want death. so my life can be better, it can be easier to be me, but i'll never be unbroken.  in what feels like the home stretch of this monumental year in my life, i'm doubting whether i have it in me to make it to the finish line. the next time, it will be real. it will be final, and i feel it coming on....because i am suicidal.

hip hip hooray

i love when you find a way to blend your goals with your life and make your behavior seem normal and be accepted by friends. i guess its not that hard, because everyone in america is a little eating disordered, but it still feels lovely. i have declared this month "fit february" for me and my friends, and we're all going to work out together four days a week the whole month. so when they noticing me losing weight (if they ever do because usually no one ever notices) i'll have a legit reason that they can file away in their head and everyone will be happy and noone will try to fatten me up. people actually try to do that, even when i'm at my fat weight. its some kind of sick transferrence i think. yes, i'm a small girl, but that doesn't mean i need to be obese to make up for what i lack vertically geez.  so hooray for fit february! hooray for me making up themes for the current month! hooray for hypomania (can you tell much?) and being on track...hooray :)

somebody to lean on

yesterday i woke up feeling like it was the end. it was a really hard morning. and then i decided, you know what, my sister is right there, i just need to go to her and she will help me get through this. and she did. just having her there for me helped the day turn around, and now i feel fantastic, like genuinely fantastic. i think i'm finally learning who i can count on, and what i need to do for myself to get through it. i'm kinda proud. i've always known that its good to have a support system and rely on that to help you through things, but at the same time i felt like i'll only really ever be able to rely on myself so i have to handle all of this alone. and i'm starting to let go of that crazy second notion. maybe i can do this.

what's a girl to do...

and it's all the same. i'm sitting here, and even though i'm in a completely different house, have a different job and different friends, everythings the same inside as it was last year. you try so hard, and nothing changes.  i don't know what else to do. and i'm so tired. i feel like, if life was like it was in the show 'dead like me', a long time ago someone failed to remove my soul and now it's rotten. but of course life isn't a tv show. who even knows what a soul is. i don't know one single person who can clearly define it. but nevermind that, this isn't about souls. this is about exercises in futility, namely me. i keep trying and keep trying and nothing changes. i can't fix me. i can't make myself function like this. so if i quit trying, what is left? the only option i see is to give up. but i promised. i promised. i suppose there are other ways to give up trying besides death...but surrendering to the madness is just such a frightening prospect; who knows what i might do. i keep thinking to myself, "what if i had never been diagnosed, and i thought this was normal would i still be fighting?", and i think not. i think that, no matter what i'm aware of, my body is gonna do what it wants to me, and make me feel these things...i mean i felt these things before and i'm continuing to feel them whether a doctor says its a disorder or not. so i'm pretty sure whether or not i realized i was mentally ill in my freshman year, that i still would have ruined everything because i would have gone through the same cycles anyways. so pretending is not an option that will work, based on that line of thought.  but i've always been very good at deluding myself....but no, no thats not an option. so what then? what is there?

the straw that broke the camel's back

i'm still stuck on that....what he did. he opened a door, and i can't close it. i can't make her go away. i've been trying and trying and her whispers just grow stronger and more frequent. its so hard not to listen to her, she who ruled my world for so long. she's even following me in my dreams, telling me what a worthless awful creature i am. i don't want to be awake, because there she is, and i don't want to be asleep, because there she is...i don't remember how to silence her or shut her away.  part of me wants to fight, and you know that might be what does it, fighting her. but the will to do so is not there. i don't disagree with anything she says. i am a piece of trash. nobody will every truly love me or care about me. i deserve all the badness in the world, all of the terrible things. i have earned them just by existing...i do not belong here, i should not be here. but i am too weak even to leave. silly, gullible me, i believe them when they say they love me and they want me. that person, who did this, doesn't exist anymore. but she's in my head forever....  every other time, i could lock her away after a day or so....its been a week. i have no hope anymore

its not me, its you

i have a really hard time being mad at people when i should. usually i have that initial flash of irritation, and then i feel so guilty and i turn it around and attack myself. thats a big problem for me. so i'm really really proud of myself, that for once i'm not doing that. a friend was an asshole, and at first i did what i normally do. i snapped at him and then  i apologized and i was ready to attack myself. but it was just such a big thing, that i couldn't let myself be attacked. so i rescinded my apology, and directed the anger where it belongs- towards the asshole. and i haven't talked to that friend since, and i could care less. i feel so great. i can't stop feeling proud of myself and good for finally sticking up and being all, no this isn't me being crazy, you were an asshole. i mean i didn't say that. i really haven't said anything. but he knows im pissed. and i haven't attacked myself for what he did at all. i just hope i can keep this kind of good behavior up...i'm discovering being good to myself feels good. all i know how to do is to tear myself down and punish/destroy me. its what i do. when anything happens, thats my initial instinct, attack self. heck, i do it when nothing happens. its not fun, i don't want to do it. i don't get any enjoyment out of it, i just have to. the thing is, i can't explain why. there is no reason it just has to happen like that. and maybe i can change that. maybe i can have this feeling all the time...*sigh* i don't know why i get my hopes up like this. its just gonna be a huge let down when i'm back to torturing myself in a few days.

a new year, a new...

its 2011. the hell known as 2010 is finally over. thank goodness. and i've decided  i'm going to make this year a lot better. i'm sure i decide that at the beginning of every year, but i'm really going to put everything i have into making this year bearable because i need to get off that ledge, ya know? the thing i'm gonna focus on first, is to become someone i can stand to look at in the mirror. because thats doable you know, and it would really make a difference. i know its shallow, to fix the outside first, but this is how i see it: when you get in character to play a part, a huge part of that is makeup/costume. i mean without it you're just you acting different. but changing how you look helps you really become somebody else. and as i'm sure i've said many times before i need to be someone else. i can't survive as me. so i'm going to look the part. and then i'll be the part. it really does work that way for me. i've put on lots of costumes and faces throughout the years....sometimes its the only way i can leave the house, is to dress up as someone who can. so i'll become someone i want to see, someone who can handle this insane life, and 2011 will be (if not amazing) okay